Scene: A 30-year-old guy with semi receding hairline walks into a barbers and like any gentleman talks off his coat, grabs his paper and has a seat to wait his turn.
Reality: A 30-year-old guy with receding hairline walks into Lunatic Fringe Salon and asks for an appointment. Gets appointment card with “Ms X” (don’t want no libel case) and returns to work. Comes back 45 mins later with made up stories on where he is off to on hols before taking a seat.
Scene: Barber says “What’ll it be?” reply – “Crop it, just use the scissors please, like a Clooney or a Daniel Craig.”
Reality: Hairdresser says “ What can i do with this?” Sheepish reply and unprompted blushing “You tell me, Crop it at the back and don’t scalp me at the front – if you can salvage any of the loose ones too, please have mercy.” Reply from HD ” the wispy bits do nathing for ya, ill chop them furst” Queue silence.
Believe it or not, this is not some high brow sitcom – this is my life. 30 and feeling it. The DT’s from Xmas led to the inevitable fear and dread, then there was the loathing – i wait only on Las Vegas. Im dried out now and back in the swing of normal life trying to help save the lads of the world on all matters fashion. If I were a Top Trump, id be in the Marvel Comics collection named:
My Card would Read
Height – 6ft 2
Weight – Too tight for 32
Chest – B Cup – its only retained beer and water after Xmas
Special Powers – Colour matching & Ubers Pender
Prone to – Dressing too young for his age
Top Man rating – He looks like Ashton Kutchers Dad in Die Hard 1 – Great Vest though!
I went through all the malaise that is seasonal this year – i even think i had a day of menopause (yes im a freak of nature and yes that’s a joke). But its that time when you look in the mirror too much, see an old wizened face. You get up the courage to get back into the daily grind, meet a load of young lads at work that dress better and look like they can still get away with the odd snack box. This feeling is the worst, remembering what you could do or used to be able to eat. Its the time of year when you’re liable to make some crazy decision, like getting an earring or feck it, ill get another tattoo – make myself feel cool again. Then then clutches of reality grab your now retreating balls and you remember you actually bought slippers this year. The grooming sets are no longer a pain in the arse (even if its only Adidas sport) and Jocks as Xmas pressies seem practical and well-timed. And i know there are tonnes of you who got the “days of the week socks” and fuckin loved them !! First year in countless where i got no Simpsons socks, it’s the little things, right? lol
I always exit the year in this frame of mind thinking things like this must be the chinese year of the paranoid 30 year old. Adrian Mole’s teenage angst has nothing on 30-year-old growing up syndrome – anyone who knows who im talking about, welcome to my club !! But then for no reason, an epiphany, i woke one morning and realised all that was going on in my life that was great – the unofficial licences i now possess.
- I can start chubbing up a bit – top man clothes or Zara will only last me another 6 months anyway, Penneys and Dunnes await.
- Not many 21 year olds understand the great taste of tea and a buttered hot scone for 9 am coffee. No more lattes i say, fuck the cinnamon frappucino.
- We grew up in the greatest era for nonsensical comedies ever (movies not TV – 70s and 80s Uk for comedy)
- All your friends watched Jools Holland on New Years too – or they taped it. It’s the coolest way to spend New Years FACT.
Most that know me however, know that is not really my mindset – i will continue to buy in Zara even if tipping the border (scales) (Shopping tip for large sizes – they hang clothes left to right smallest to largest) so if you see jeans you like go to the right of where it is !! They are always the first to go. I will train harder than ever in the gym this year and be tougher on my body. I will wear the yellow rain mac i bought (yes yellow) and think i look cool. Technology and the the internet has flattened the conventions we once knew and opened up society so approval can be achieved somewhere.
And so i will continue my quest to look as ridiculous as i want this year in fashion. I will tweet more pics and try to get the #thestrollofhim hashtag trending for my pics. I will give my top picks every week and not fail on this. It will be two items – and i hope to add a video blog too.. So as i sign off my first blog of 2012 (realising this was a truly awful rant) i am left with my nightly task of picking my clothes for work tomorrow. So as you all settle into Vincent Browne, Primetime and whatever Netflix show you just chose, spare a thought for the hard life of the metro – its a jungle out there. 2012 has arrived. (pronounced twenty twelve, not two thousand and twelve – thought this last piece adds context and rhythm and says something about the narrator. Maybe provides tone of voice. But i wonder how many of you will say twenty twelve as you read !!!